My mind of Anarchy-Expedition Dust Day 52

Dylan woke me up as he unzipped the tent to get his breakfast. I rolled over so I could watch the sun rise as I ate my breakfast. In the daylight the campsite was pretty cool, we had pitched the tent under one of my favorite trees, the desert oak. 

Today was the day that Dylan was going to hitchhike to Yulara and end his journey. We sat down and did some filming before pulling down the tent and heading out onto the road. The going was tough, even though the road was much better than it had been, the extra weight Dylan had given me was very hard to carry. We rode together along the road and I noticed Dylan hadn’t started hitching. I was quite confused to what was going on.

Yesterday I had expressed towards Dylan that I wanted to go off the central highway back into the bush after he was picked up but today I had decided I didn’t want to leave him with the bike on the side of the road and I didn’t want him to ride off alone because I had all the safety equipment. So I told him that I was going to stay with him until he got picked up or I was going to ride with him to Docker river. I could tell by his reaction he was frustrated that I had chosen to not leave the road because hitching was going to be much harder if there was two of us. 

He rode off for Docker river alone, riding faster than he had ever ridden on the whole trip and he left me in the dust. It was faster than I could ride! I felt hurt and angry, I believed he was thinking 

‘I don’t want to do that so I will just do my own thing because I know with all that extra weight he’s not going to be able to catch me to tell me to stop’

I started pushing hard to catch up and tell him if he wasn’t going to stop and hitchhike then we needed to ride together to Docker River, I was pushing so hard and with every painful pedal rotation my anger was growing, I could see him riding faster and harder my inner demon took over and it was rage that was pushing my bike forward and it was rage that released adrenaline into my body, I was shaking with emotion but still couldn’t catch him I couldn’t breathe properly I had tunnel vision and my focus was now set on stopping Dylan from just leaving with my bike. I managed to get within a distance to be able to shout “STOP!”

 Dylan wanted to explain that he was just putting some distance between us so it was more likely for him to get picked up but I wasn’t in a frame of mind to be able to communicate at all so I just kept saying you can’t act like that, you can’t just leave with someone else’s things!

The negative side of my ADHD had won and taken control. He walked off and sat under a tree I was standing there with my bikes and as I started to calm down realized that once again It was me that had made a mistake. I had had enough, I wanted the constant noise inside my head to stop and never come back.

I made a big choice, I realised I owed it to Dylan to explain myself.

I walked over, now in tears and said “I am and have been depressed for as long as I can remember I hate that I have ADHD and sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

The truth is I don’t come out on these expeditions just because I love it out here I come on these expeditions to give myself space from the real world so I don’t ruin it by being there. Don’t get me wrong I love it out here but really all I’m doing is searching for the answers to my problems, letting myself suffer for the way I acted as a child and above all else trying to stop all the noise inside my head.” I didn’t get a proper childhood, ADHD took that from me. As hard as my wonderful family tried to help me fit in I never did. I’m different and my brain is my own worst enemy but also my best friend, that’s the conundrum there is no answer to my problem. There’s no way to move forward except to be the way I have been for my whole life! I live with an angel and demon inside me and they are both very loud! It’s an emotional roller coaster and It’s one I have been on since I can remember. There is no way to stop my ADHD it is who I am, it’s why I love myself but it’s also why I hate myself. I’m done with the lies and pretending everything is ok in my world. I need to be open to live with this because it’s too much for me to handle alone.

Dylan gave me a huge hug and tried to make me realize it was ok and he understands how my brain takes over sometimes because his does too! We continued riding together and as we went we talked about our ADHD. 

A few hours later we crossed the Western Australia border and entered The Northern Territory.  It was probably quite lucky I came the way I did because there’s no accommodation in docker river and Dylan would have had a very cold night if he didn’t have a tent to sleep in. We camped just out of Docker river so in the morning Dylan could catch a bus into Yulara to catch his flight back to his job and have the chance to experience the red centre.